Darkness and Light
Fr. Richard opens his reflection today with these words. "The darkness will
never totally go away. I've worked long enough in ministry to know that darkness
isn't going to disappear, but that, as John's Gospel says, "the light shines
on inside of the darkness, and the darkness will not overcome it" (1:5).
The teaching of the day has to do with the responsibility we all have to eliminate
darkness, especially in many of the great social issues of our time. But the
truth for me is that as I live through the days of my life I often feel quite
separated from the issues of our time. I find my days to be full, my energy limited
and my ability to affect any kind of change seems minimal. So I have to back
up and find my place, once again, in all that is happening so I will know what
is mine to do.
The first thing I have to do is pull back to my own life and look for the places
where I have slipped into calling what is darkness light. Not an easy task. It's
just that I don't know how to accurately read what is going on around me when
I am not sure about what is going on within me. Rather than try to share some
of my personal confusion I think I will offer what I am learning about those
contradictions that stir around in my life.
If my practice of examen is honest then I would say that the first step toward naming
darkness good, at least in my life, is centered around my desire for control. What a struggle it is to suppress or transcend
the desire to control the things I work for, love and care about. Once having
things "my way" takes hold, the lines between trust and manipulation
tend to blur and I can easily confuse light and darkness.
Justification presents itself to me as a handy tool when my desire to control things
is controlling me. When I fall into that trap then situations determine what
is light and what is not. Sometimes as I look back at choices I've made in the
past I am amazed by my ability to justify behavior .... mine or someone elses.
Many of the paths of my own choosing are paved with justification.
The truth is that holding the tension between the darkness and the light supercedes
my spiritual maturity some days and all I want is peace. But you must know, as
I do, that peace can be manufactured if your own agenda is powerful enough. It
is often days before I catch myself and realize that I have misperceived, misnamed
and misbehaved. But God is good. There is always a ray of light and a piece of
truth to lead me back to the path of God's choosing for me.
The Question: In what parts of your life are you trying to push away darkness instead
of living with it as a teacher and transformer?
The answer for me is non-specific but I don't believe it avoids the question. I try
to push away darkness instead of living with it as a teacher and transformer
any time I chooseto get rid of my pain rather than learn the lessons it has to
teach me. The idea that we can learn what we need to know by pretending that
darkness is passable light is very popular. We will all have to support one another
if we are to avoid such an enticing solution. Perhaps my writing today is an
example of an attempt to walk through the darkness in order to experience the
light. It is sometimes a long walk.
I believe it is true in my life, that I can only give myself to the task of trying
to eliminate darkness in the social issues of our time as I am able to discern darkness and light in my personal life. It remains true that the teacher will arrive
when the student is ready. And transformation always requires our participation.